So this is my first ever post out into the deep dark internet, but there's an issue I'm my life and my relationship that I honestly don't feel I can talk to about with anyone, like not him.. none of my friends.. so here I am turning to complete strangers.

So me and my boyfriend have been together 6 months now, we met on tinder and we hit it off like a house on fire straight away! He is one of the best people I have ever met, I'm super attracted to him and he actually wants to spend all his time with me which is more than I can say for any of my exes and we have had a great relationship thus far, except for one thing... So I have felt increasingly upset about this as time has gone on, like when we first got together we were exploring each other emotionally and also sexually, and with him being 9 years older than myself, he had a lot more sexual experience than me and he has introduced me to some new areas such an anal and general bum play which I have loved! So the first bit of our relationship, sexually this has been amazing.. but over the last couple of months he has become more tired and less interested in having sex with me, he has never been one to kiss me lots but again in the last couple of months this has diminished into giving me a peck in the morning before he goes to work.. and unless we are actually having sex, I don't get kisses off him.. he doesn't ever just snog me, and this hurts. Whenever I talk to him about it I just get 'I'm not a lovey dovey kind of person' or 'I'm not a snoggy type of person' which is ok, well its not ok.. because from where I'm standing I literally just crave so much more! Since loosing 6-7 stone over the past year I feel my sex drive has sky rocketed and I find myself wanting sex all the time, whenever I'm with him I just want to ###$ him and him do bad things to me, and when I'm alone.. I touch myself. When I'm alone and when I'm not busy I am constantly masturbating, I make myself cum sometimes 3-4 times a day when I have that chance. And so when I'm with this man who makes me so happy and who I am sexually attracted to immensely, I just want him.. and I feel that he doesn't want me as hard as I want him. When we get into bed and he makes his excuses, bats my hand away from him and tells me he's tired, I cant help but feel gutted.. I feel deflated, it kills me inside and I have to pretend like its okay and roll over and go to sleep when in fact I'm so hurt. Now, please understand when I say we do have quite regular sex, sometimes we can go a few times in a day, but on average I would say about 4 times a week.. sometimes a lot more? Now, this is where I think I have a slight addiction.. because it doesn't seem to be enough, I want to feel that intimacy so much more, maybe its because I don't get the little kisses throughout the day or even that passionate snog in the car before we go for dinner.. He is not the romantic type and unfortunately this massively shows, he never tells me I'm beautiful or says romantic things to me, or does anything romantic, and well 6 months in and he hasn't told me he loves me. I understand people go at different paces but due to this, I'm left wanting more.. and I'm having wondering thoughts, I'm lusting after anyone at the moment and I hate myself because actually the one person I want the absolute most is my boyfriend. I have tried talking to him, and I just don't seem to get anywhere.. He doesn't have much to say and just comes back with the normal 'I'm just not the romantic type' and 'I'm just so tired from work'. I feel like he isn't fully into me? Only apart from the fact he actually wants to see me all the time and literally does anything for me, he looks after me and makes me feel safe, and happy.. But where is my romance? I am a woman, with an incredibly high sex drive who just wants my man to have sex with me all the time and tell me I'm ######6 beautiful!

I don't know whats going on with me, its getting worse and im getting tired. Im a boy, 20 years old and I can't remember as many details as I would like to remember about who and what I was before that 'something' happened thats why I'll be vague with some things. If you think you may have and idea or have some information or a good advice on this please feel free to answer cause I'm desperate.
I've been in and out of psychiatric institutions since high school and I've been diagnosed multiple times by different doctors (Antisocial personality disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Anxiety, Depression, Schizophrenia Paranoid, Schizoaffective disorder, Bipolar not otherwise specified.) When I was younger I was pretty much in control of myself, some things with me were off but nothing that really bothered me, things like excessive boredom, intrusive thoughts, derealization and depersonalizations and not being able to not to fake every social interaction, a giant disgust for every human, an entertained mind with every mechanic answer, things people could just not see, I planned everything I said and everything I did, it was automatic, It was sorta exciting getting everything I wanted, I stole things like whole outfits in expensive clothes stores even though I had the money just because it was exciting and made me feel good, I abused all kinda of drugs and people in a way, I got sorta lost in the drug path, I started getting psychotic and I did a lot of crazy things like going out of town, not sleeping, spending weeks on the street, drugs, wild parties, sex with strangers, but then a day I started to notice that I wasn't so sure of what I was doing, something that I think I never felt before, I was kinda lost, I was kinda alone and I didn't knew what was the next step to take, like if the part of me that was sure of everything and had everything sorted out disappeared, the drugs were getting down and I was so exhausted and desperate feeling that I couldn't go out for more, now i'm clean except for weed (auto medication) I became aware of every little thing but didn't know how to deal with it or what was the importance of everything, I have a cloud in my mind and im not sure of anything I don't know how to explain it, its driving me crazy, I want to stab my face multiple times after I stab everyone else, I always thought that in a way (a proxemic way) I can read peoples minds but after this happened it was like their thoughts and expression became sharp and aggressive to me, and now its like they can hear my thoughts too in that way also, something happened to my nerves, I can't be relaxed, not in my house, not in my bed, not in my sleep, I just can't relax its like If I am possessed and my brain and inside my body its burning I have ricing and negative thoughts, i'm angry and irritable to the core, to the point that if some one talks to me in that moment I snap and attack them with everything I have and I hurt myself cause I need it to stop now, it so much. Everyday I end up screaming and scratching my face because I don't quite get what im feeling but it is a lot, I can't concentrate, I can't decide between stupid easy things, I feel guilty all the time, I can't organize my mind and put whats first first, that makes me angry as ###$, I can't sleep well, I have panic attacks, night terrors, my stomach hurst and I need to throw up since I wake up, this are just some things that are happening, there are a lot more but I don't know what its important what its not, I also some times experience selective mutism when some one asks me what is happening because my brain does not know the answer or at least thats what I think. No one has been able to help me, not the doctors, not in the clinic , I don't trust anybody and im fearing that Im gonna have to kill myself because I won't live like this my whole life, and its not getting better, 2 years now, I feel hopeless. Alexithymia and mixed bipolar episode are things that can describe...

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to begin with I should say that I have MPD(Multiple personality disorder), and ADHD, as well as Clinical Depression, and Diabetes.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 6, my mother first started showing that she was resistant to care for me. My father was the one that kept her from giving me up for adoption.

Years passed and me and my mother grew distant due to her annoyance with me and my hyper active antics. I was unmedicated and she would not care for me. My father took care of me until he passed away when I was 9. I was blamed for his death, as I heard him fall in the bathroom but was too afraid to open the door(bathroom. Pants down.), My mother eventually came downstairs 5 minutes later and found him on the floor. I could have saved him if I went into the bathroom. I didnt and still blame myself to this day.

My mother then took sole care of me, and hated every day of it. Now I am 19, and still hated, I wasnt dianosed with MPD until I was 10 but knew I had it from the age of 8(before my fathers passing). We go to therapy once every two weeks, and each time I leave in tears for her siding with the therapist and the therapist siding with her.

I began thinking suicidal thoughts when I was 10. I learned now that it is normal for those with MPD and depression. I was put into many different psychiatric hospitals that did not help at all, just drugging me with anti psychotics. I finally came home from the multiple hospital extravaganza at the age of 13, when I first began my love of technology, at that time I had only played the SNES, and N64, I first real "handheld" game was my DS, that had two games. It sparked my love of technology and all things creative and strange. My mother hated it and called my weird and told me her story of how she wanted to be a computer "engineer"(She does not know what that means), but dropped it due to her lack of math skills. I do also have terrible math skills, but math skills are not needed in the field of Graphic arts and Media Design, which I am taking currently at a 2 year college.

My first laptop came at the age of 16 for christmas, it was a HP G6 Pavillion. It sparked my love the internet and photoshop. My mother hated that she has to pay for Wifi, and hated that I knew the computer better then her, I quickly made a facebook, and a tumblr, and started a fake facebook profile for my "fun" activities since I still had real life friends to be "nice" too. She disliked the internet from the start. She still does in fact, she despises that all her banking is done online.

Blah blah blah, she hates the internet blah. You get it right?

So anyways, I recently at the age of 19 got a newer laptop, and have been obsessing over Minecraft, she has been pressuring me to get a job for very long, very very very very long...

I cant find a job in this market and have gone from Subway to Dunkin Donuts, to A&P and more! I've never been able to hold a job. She calls it lazy but I call it THE ECONOMY! There's no job market right now, stores are only hiring people with families that desperatly need the money not kids who need experience! We cannot get jobs, therefore no resume information therefore no job!

Blah bla blah you all know the economy in the United States is $#%^ right now. It dosent matter, nobody can get a job.

I get hassled to get a job, hassled to be off the computer more and hassled to help her do things around the house. I keep my room clean, I wash my own clothes, I pay for rent with my spare change. I have a "job" driving friends to school on certain days of the week, whatever I dont use to fill up my gas tank, goes to rent for the week. I find coins on the street, collect them for my mother's "rent jar". We live in a house that's 80% paid off, and I still gotta pay rent to live there.

Apparently rent, cleaning, washing my own clothes, and doing chores around the house isnt enough for her standards.

The most recent...

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Hi I am new to this. My name is Beck, I ws diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a few months back. Although my psych says I've most likely had it most of my life. An hour ago I got into a fight with my drunk sister. She said some nasty thingy about me regarding my recovery and my bpd. She acted like she knew what it is like to live with this illness (one of the many), and proceeded to say things like, "how do you know anything you say is real?". She then continued to try an deny the traumas I've been through saying I am asking for attention. Also sayingredients how she'd offended and doesn't believe me about them. When she was ready to end the conversation, she did. I sat in my bed crying. She came back to apologize. By apologize I mean she came in and said she was sorry and when I cried to her explaining myself, she rolled her eyes and said, "I just came back here to say sorry if i hurt your feelings, forgive me or don't, but take it for what it is, goodnight". I laid in my bed crying and began to hit myself. I stopped. I no longer self-harm. Im clean from that almost 4 months.

The truth is, what she said hurt. But not how she thinks it did. She thinks she was insensitive and offensive. It hurt bc I know people look at me like I'm "crazy", "I'm big, you're little", "no one believes you because your peception is off". It hurts because I feel crazy all the time, like there is something wrong with me. Im hurt, awake, and looking to go for a walk at 6:00 to clear my head. Nights like tonight make me never want to talk again.

Rightio, guys! Welcome to my world! It's great in here, albeit the landscapes may appear a little cerebral and neurotic sometimes. I lead the fine young life of an Irish student. Yes, student life is... well, chaotic. Effective organisation is always precluded by the necessities of student life (i.e. sleeping erratic hours, inconsistently meeting inconsistent deadlines, and an all-round simultaneous lack of planning and spontaneity). I am doing what I love (that's binge-reading on metaphysics and critical theory and writing highfalutin essays on it all), and even if it doesn't make me happy, that's okay, because I'm doing the right thing with my life right now. Clarity helps.

Happiness (whatever it is) is a thoroughly overused term these days. Why on earth should I be happy just because I have everything and my life is pretty darn good?! 'Erm... perhaps because you have everything and your life is pretty darn good...?' This is called circular reasoning, a logical fallacy. In fact, the entire pursuit of happiness in itself is both illogical and pointless. For a fact, nothing makes me happy. Ought I be stricken now by an avalanche of guilt? Not really. It's okay to feel whatever you feel and it is absolutely ridiculous to feel what someone else (or society, in fact) tells you to feel, because that's even more absurd that not feeling good, when life's good. In fact, the pursuit of happiness makes people depressed, because it's cheating logic and breaking down the faculties we rely on to make clear distinctions between things!

I like my life. I don't like my depression. I live life with depression. I do not live a depressed life. When I am really depressed I am not living my life, but this has nothing to do with my life and everything to do with my depression. It is important when I am very depressed to never wish my depression to end, because this would mean ending my life. And I like my life. It is much more likable than my depression. It only makes sense to say, then, that I like my life more than I can ever dislike my depression, because depression requires life in order to exist and wishing my life to end because it will end my depression is completely absurd, because it denies the origin of depression, which is not life, but absurdity. Yes, depression is absurd, but life is not and in order to affirm what is true and meaningful (i.e. the fact that depression is absurd) we must affirm life.

Of course, it may appear to be problematic when philosophers say that life is absurd and melancholia is a natural reaction to the absurdity of life. This may be true (and if it is it becomes difficult to distinguish depression from life), but even these philosophers find a way of affirming life, even if only in spite. For Camus, absurdity must be affirmed because our lucidity is the basis of all that we have. According to him, we must continue to push the boulder up the hill knowing it will fall back down, because acknowledging the pointlessness of this task liberates us to accept it. For Kierkegaard, it is defiance: rejection of help or escape which gives us strength to be our own and endure. For Nietzsche, life, suffering and all the tragedy in the world must be relished in order to rise above the adversity of slavery and become masters of ourselves through strength and creativity.